


meet me in the afterglow

by softambrollins



Category: Professional Wrestling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Codependency, Fluff, Getting Together, Goodbyes, Hopeful Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Non-Explicit Sex, Relationship Issues, Reunions, identity crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 04:56:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21173789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins
Summary: Seth's lost Dean a million times but somehow he's the only place he can still find himself.





	meet me in the afterglow

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously inspired by [Afterglow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HxbqAsppwU). Thanks for writing a song about Ambrollins for me to cry to, Taylor!
> 
> I also retconned most of their last feud, because I could. Everything else is pretty much canon compliant.

Seth's been burning things down for a long time. Friendships, relationships, his own happiness. Just to reach the place he always wanted to be. But it's only when he finally got there that he realised that maybe that's never really where he belonged. It felt fake and foreign and _wrong_. He'd done everything to get here and he still didn't deserve it. It was still unattainable: the sense of worth and validation that he'd sought his entire life. And he looked around and realised that he'd given everything else up for this, that he was all alone, nothing but scorched earth around him for miles and miles. He'd burned himself down for nothing.

*

Years later, he slowly starts rising from the ashes again.

He'd tried to burn Dean down too once, he'd tried for years and years to destroy him and everything that tied them together, but it was still there. He was still there. He was always in the back of his mind, always clinging to him like the smell of smoke that won't go away no matter what you do. 

Seth thought maybe he'd burned all the love out of his heart, but Dean's not like him. Dean's heart is fireproof. Maybe he'd broken him, maybe he'd broken his trust forever. But there's still that small flame flickering deep inside of him that won't ever go out. Seth can see it in his eyes and it almost looks like hope.

*

He finds himself outside Dean's hotel room door for the first time in three years. There was a lot of chaos and commotion backstage after they'd finally put their fists together, so Seth hasn't had a chance to really talk to him again. As high on adrenaline and euphoria as he has been for the last few hours, there's still something nagging at him that he can't quiet.

He knocks quietly on the door and waits for a couple anxious seconds before Dean opens it.

"Can we talk?" he asks without preamble, before he chickens out.

"Yeah. What's up, man?" Dean only looks a little surprised to find him there, before letting him in and shutting the door behind them.

Dean just stands there casually looking at him as he paces back and forth on the carpet in front of him a few times.

"I just — I wanted to know if you meant it," he manages to stutter out, finally coming to a stop, but it feels like his heart's still pounding in his chest and he's almost shaking. He can't look directly at him, chooses a spot somewhere vaguely over his left shoulder. "If this — if it's _real_."

"What are you talking about..." Dean asks slowly, like he's trying to put something together in his head, eyes narrowed.

"I mean, I just wanted to know that it was real. And not just, I don't know, for the cameras or whatever." He probably sounds neurotic, he probably sounds fucking insane. But there's a part of him that was going to walk away before, that didn't think he deserved it. That was ready to accept that he would never get this back, that Dean would always hate him, that it was — he was — _unforgivable_. But now — here they are anyway. And Seth needs to _know_.

Dean just looks at him impassively, one eyebrow barely raised, like maybe he really does think he's an idiot. "Seth, I don't give a shit about the cameras or the crowds or any of that," he tells him evenly.

"_Oh_," he says, voice a bit too high to really hide his relief. "Okay, then."

"Is that all you wanted?" Dean asks, his tone gentler now.

"Yes," he says at once. And then, "_No_," less certain.

Dean just looks slightly amused.

Seth takes a deep breath. He doesn't know how to say it. He doesn't know if he's going to ruin everything all over again. But he's never felt as vulnerable as he has in these last few weeks. And somehow, it's _okay_, and Dean's standing in front of him and he _wants_ this. Somehow, impossibly, Dean's back in his life again. After he did everything in his power to kill everything they'd ever felt for each other. It's still alive and burning. So, what's one more earth-shattering confession.

"I was...such a fucking idiot," he begins unsteadily. "I didn't have a clue. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know who I was. Until it was too late. Until you were gone. I thought I had to give this up to get everything I wanted. But what I wanted — it was a lie. It turned to ashes in my hands. It was never going to make me happy. And I realised that what I wanted, what I _really_ wanted, is the thing I gave up in the first place."

"Seth…" Dean exhales, like he knows that this is heading somewhere dangerous now.

"But that's not the worst part. The worst part is...I _always_ knew," he says, voice breaking. He stifles a sob, swallowing hard, taking a deep breath before continuing. "And I still did it. I didn't know how to deal with it..." He trails off, raising his gaze to look at Dean through blurry eyes as he says the next words. "To deal with being in love with you."

Dean just stares at him, lips parted slightly in surprise, in confusion.

When he doesn't speak for a long moment, Seth just lowers his gaze, the few, stray teardrops that he can't contain spilling onto his cheeks, and says, voice small and desolate, "Okay, I'm gonna go now."

Before he can reach the door, Dean's following him and grabbing his arm, twisting his body back around to look at him.

Seth's about to say something else, but Dean stops him.

"Seth, just _shut up_," he grits out, Seth's eyes locked on his, knowing he can probably see the stark terror in his face. Then, he makes a low noise of frustration in his throat, and just mutters under his breath, "_Fuck_, come here."

He reels Seth in before he can register what's happening. The kiss is more of a collision that was always destined to happen, sometime, somewhere. It almost feels like it's already happened, like it will always be happening, at every point in space and time at once.

Dean cradles his head in his hands to hold him in place, strands of hair sliding through his fingers, as he kisses him, rough and breathless and desperate, until his lips are bruised, as he licks into his mouth, drawing out some soft moans that he swallows hungrily. Dean puts his hands under his shirt, fingers tracing patterns over his back that feel like _burns_ on his bare skin, he kisses his jaw, his neck, mouth open and hot and wet, nipping at tender skin, leaving marks all over him. It feels like Dean's always been leaving marks on him, the kind of marks he could never scrub off, shame and guilt and fear. He never wants to lose these, though. They feel like a part of him.

Dean pulls him backwards onto the bed, Seth scrambling into his lap, hastily taking each other's shirts off so skin can meet skin freely, flushed chests pressed together, Dean's fingers digging into his hips, Seth's arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders as Dean buries his face in his hair, murmuring, "_I love you, I love you_," right against his ear. Seth's chest feels so warm and full and there's so much heat and intensity building and building between them at every point of contact, that he feels he might explode into pure light at any moment.

Dean slides his hips up the mattress and pulls him down on top of him after what feels like forever. He meets his lips in a gentler kiss now, soft, slow, like they have all the time in the world. Like there's never, ever been a question of how real this is. Like he never has to ask again.

They pause for a second, and it's like time slows down for just the two of them as the rest of the world spins on, it's like years and decades and millenia and eras pass them by and they're just caught in this one moment where nothing else exists. They just rest their foreheads together, just staring at each other, just breathing. Seth slides his hand down over Dean's chest until he can feel his heartbeat against his palm.

Seth feels the flame inside of him grow and grow until it consumes both of them.

*

Seth's been so alone for so long and now Dean's gone and he has no idea how to start again. It's strange how you can live without something for so long and finally get it and then suddenly just the thought of not having it makes it hard to even breathe. How did he do this before? Was he just going through the motions, acting like everything was okay, like he was happy, because he had to, because he couldn't let anyone see the cracks? Over the last few months, it's like all those cracks have slowly been mended. There's no pretending anymore. It's like he was living someone else's life, like he was in a deep sleep for years, and now he's finally awake. Seth's spent his whole life trying to become who he thought he was supposed to be, but by Dean's side he knows exactly who he is. 

He has no clue where to go from here now. 

He has to learn all over again, how to _be_ without Dean.

*

It surprises him, this strength he didn't know he had. That he's built up over time, after everything he's been through. He supposes it takes strength to look at yourself in the mirror, it takes strength to admit you were wrong. It takes strength to burn down the parts of you you despise and find your way out of the wreckage. Slowly, gradually, painfully. If he could find the strength to make it back to Dean, to face every single terrible thing he'd ever done and ask for forgiveness, all on his own, then he can make it through this.

He's not the same person he was before. And he's not the same person as he was with Dean and Roman. He's something else. Standing on his own two feet for the first time. Making his own decisions. Choosing who he is and what he wants to do. Choosing to be a good person. It isn't easy, he's found. It takes work, every single day, but the work is what matters. The choice is what matters.

"I'm proud of you," Dean tells him over the phone after the gauntlet match, after Wrestlemania, after every successful title defense, every gruelling, invigorating, gratifying night in the ring. This is what he lives for now. This is what he always wanted. Or should have wanted in the first place. Not titles or accolades or tangible symbols of his worth. But this feeling. To do what he really loves, to prove that he's the best, to feel satisfied that he left every single thing he had on the mat every single night. 

"I miss you," Seth says, every time. Because he still does, every night, every minute. He wishes more than anything that he could share this with Dean. But it does feel like he's here with him even when he's not. There's a piece of him in everything he does, and there always will be. He wouldn't be who he is now without Dean and he's so grateful for that.

"I know. But I don't want you to deal with this shit. I want you to be happy," he says, like he means that more than anything. He wants Seth to enjoy this, all of it, without it being tainted by his absence. To not feel guilty. But it's impossible not to, when Dean's in a hospital far away fighting against the thing he loves the most being taken away from him. And he can't do anything about it. And Dean doesn't want him to.

He hates it, that Dean knows every single part of him, inside and out, but there are still parts of him that he hides from Seth. He reminds himself that Dean's been alone a long time too, and it's still hard to let people in, to let Seth in, especially when he's feeling weak and vulnerable.

"I love you," he says, every time, and sometimes he says it back and sometimes he doesn't. Like it hurts just a little too much.

*

After his first match back, Dean presses him up roughly against the locker room wall and slowly takes all his clothes off, slowly takes him apart with his hands and lips and tongue. Like he's been dying to do this for months and months. He kisses him long and filthy, fucks into him slow and deep and excruciating, shoves his fingers into his mouth so hard he almost chokes on them, works his hand over him fast and rough and messy. He comes so hard and sudden, he lets out a guttural cry that feels like it's being torn out of him, vision whiting out, all the blood rushing from his head at once. His body feels wrecked, _owned_, like it doesn't belong to him anymore. He feels like he'll never be able to wash him off, he'll always feel his hands and mouth all over him, feel him inside him. _When he's gone_, his brain finishes out of nowhere. He wonders if Dean's thinking the same thing too.

Dean just turns away afterwards, starts putting his clothes back on.

"You okay?" he asks carefully.

Dean just makes a noncommittal grunt and then leaves him right there.

Dean hardly talks to him now, he's strange and distant, he storms out of rooms so he won't have to be alone with him. When they are alone, he doesn't want to talk. Every time feels like the first time, the last time now. Both of them desperate and raw and aching. Seth doesn't know what to do. He thought having Dean back would make everything right again, that it would be just like it was before.

Something's _wrong_, he knows. But maybe if he just ignores it, it will go away. And everything will be like it was again. 

It feels like Dean's a ghost now. Like he's not really there even when he is. He's still haunting him, but he's drifting farther and farther away every day. One day he'll just disappear into nothingness. Seth keeps holding on to him, tighter and tighter, in locker rooms and hotel rooms and rings across the country, across the world, hoping he can keep that day at bay with just the force of his will. Hoping that if he kisses him hard enough and long enough, he'll stay with him, just like the lingering bruises he leaves behind.

*

Months later, Dean loses everything in one fell swoop and tries to burn his heart up along with his Shield vest. Seth wishes it was that easy. Dean's not like him; he can't hollow the pain and the love out of his heart and become someone else. It takes root, deep down, and devours him from the inside.

Seth's lying on the bathroom floor that night, he drank as much as he physically could but it still does nothing to numb this pain. It's his fault, he knows. He should've been there, he should've seen the signs, he should've — done something, anything. But it's too late now. He was selfish, so, so selfish. He hasn't learned a thing. He's still the same greedy, needy parasite he always was. He used up all his love and left him empty. He thought Dean was his salvation and he didn't save Dean when he needed it.

Now they're both doomed.

Without Dean, Seth's a burnt-out, broken shell. He doesn't know who he is, because there's nothing there. Nothing left. Dean tried to burn the love from his own heart, but it's Seth who's left with a gaping hole deep inside him.

*

Seth finds him backstage on Monday night after he watches it, all of Dean's pain splashed across the screen, blinding and searing, and he couldn't see any of it in the moment. Because he was happy to be oblivious. Because he wanted to stay in that safe, quiet, content bubble. Like they were still back in that hotel room that first night, the edges of the rest of the world faded away around them. 

Dean's the one fading away now, and he's going to take Seth with him. And he can't bear it. He can't do this. Not anymore.

"It's my fault," he tells him before he can leave, or push him aside, or punch him in the face. "I know that. I was selfish and I didn't see how much pain you were in. Because I didn't _want_ to see it."

"Seth —" He looks angry. He always looks angry now, but Seth can see the brokenness underneath. Maybe Dean could always see his cracks too.

"No, listen, just _listen_. I'm not gonna fight you." He shakes his head helplessly. "I love you. I'm always gonna love you. And I can't fucking _bear_ to see you like this. So, I'm not leaving. Not until you talk to me."

"Now you wanna talk?" he scoffs. "Where were you all this time?"

"I was _right here_, Dean," he says emphatically. "Where were _you_? You weren't there. You pushed me away. Again and again. Because you didn't trust me? I can't blame you for that. But I don't deserve this either. I just want to help you."

"You can't help me, Seth," Dean says, sounding truly defeated. "No one can help me. You should've just left when you had the chance."

Seth lets out a breath. "I'm sorry, Dean," he says, meeting his gaze significantly.

Dean flinches away at his words. "Shut up," he says warningly.

"I'm _sorry_," he says again. "I'm sorry about everything you went through. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry about Roman..."

Seth sees the moment his expression just _falls_, and he slowly steps closer to him. He reaches out, rests his hand on his arm gently. Dean doesn't move, just looks up at him with devastated eyes. 

Seth slowly wraps his arms around him, cradling his head to his chest, strokes his fingers over his hair. Seth feels Dean's body just _give_ against him and then he's pressing closer to him, arms wrapped tightly around his waist, hands clasped, holding on for dear life. They're both swaying on their feet slightly.

Dean lifts his head a little and lets a small sob escape against his shoulder like he can't keep it in any longer and Seth just holds him tighter, says, "It's okay. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

*

"It wasn't your fault," Dean tells him later, when they're curled into each other in Dean's bed. It's almost 3am but neither of them are asleep, just lying awake listening to each other's breathing in the silence. Seth missed that so much. Thinking about Dean all alone with all this pain makes his heart break all over again.

"I should've tried to help you," Seth murmurs.

"I didn't want to be helped," he admits. "That wasn't on you. And it's not that I didn't trust you. I just — I wanted you to be happy. Like before."

"Dean, I don't know _how_ to be happy without you," he tells him honestly. "I wanted you here with me every single day you were gone."

"I was such a fucking mess," he says, voice raspy. "I came back, which was all I wanted, and I wasn't happy. And it felt like something was _wrong_ with me, like inside my veins. It's kind of like how you said you felt. When you finally won the title. I didn't want to — to _infect_ you with that."

"Dean," he breathes into the darkness between them. "If this isn't what you want anymore, you can tell me. It's okay. Whatever you say, whatever you want, it's okay."

Seth knows what a struggle it is, to learn the difference between what you really want and what you think you want. Who you think you have to be for other people and who you need to be for yourself and your own happiness. To make yourself believe that it's okay and that you deserve it.

"I don't know. I know I want _this_," he says, reaching for his hand under the covers, lacing their fingers together. "I want to be with you. But I don't know if I wanna be _here_ anymore."

And that definitely shakes something inside him, at his very core, but he'll deal with it later. He just needs to be here for Dean now. 

"Okay. That's okay," Seth says, even if he doesn't know if it really is. "We'll figure it out. Together."

*

Roman's backstage for the first time in months and Seth watches from a distance as Dean approaches him, looking kind of unsure and wary for a moment. He sees Roman smile at him and then he starts talking, Dean nodding along to his words, and then Dean's face just _lights_ up in a way he hasn't seen in so long, and then Roman's pulling him into a crushing embrace and he thinks Dean's crying, but it's the good kind of tears. The happy kind. He finally thinks that maybe everything's going to work out.

Dean's going to be gone soon. It's a fact now. It's not _if_, it's _when_. He has no idea how to be here, how to do this, how to _be_ this without Dean. He's always been there, even when he wasn’t. Always haunting him, always a piece of him, for better or worse, a reminder of everything he tried to forget but never could, a reminder of the person he wants to be now. 

But it's not about him anymore. He just wants Dean to be happy and if he has to let him go again for that to happen, then so be it. He can't let his own selfishness get in the way of that. They'll all be fine, together or apart. Roman's back and Wrestlemania's looming and Dean's excited again, about everything he wants to do, the freedom, all the possibilities. After one last run together, for old times' sake, to close out the chapter before they go their separate ways. For good. Seth's going to savour every single second of it. Maybe he can find some way to be happy too afterwards, here, without Dean, as impossible as that feels sometimes.

They'll be okay. They have to be.

*

On his last night, Dean lays him down on a hotel room bed and kisses him everywhere he can reach for what feels like a lifetime.

He presses his lips to one cheek, and then the other, almost reverently. "It's not really the last time," he promises him.

He kisses a trail down the centre of his chest, breathing softly right over his heart. "I'll always be right here with you," he says. Seth feels something warm and glowing ignite inside him at Dean's touch. 

He peppers light kisses across his stomach, beard grazing against the skin right above his waistband, making him shiver as he unzips his pants. "You'll be amazing. All on your own," he says breathily. Seth closes his eyes.

Dean rises back up to claim his mouth again, Seth tasting himself on his tongue. "I believe in you. I've always believed in you," he murmurs against his lips.

Seth rests his head on Dean's chest as Dean wraps his arms around him. Dean brushes his lips over his forehead. "I love you. Forever." Seth closes his eyes, lets the words sink into him and make a home for themselves, in his skin, in his bones, in his blood. Marked into every piece of him, just like Dean.

*

It's harder this time, harder than before, because he's not coming back. But it's supposed to be hard. Waking up every day and choosing who you want to be and how you want to live is supposed to be hard. It's all about making the right choice. Over and over again.

But sometimes, he doesn't know what the right choice is. With no one to guide him, no one to take him by the hand and lead him down the right path. 

Dean's inside of him, like he always has been inside of him, but it's not enough. His heart may aim true now, but he's still not entirely trustworthy to himself. His traitorous mind plays cruel tricks on him. Making him believe he wants things he doesn't. Making him do things he doesn't want to. Making him think the wrong choice is the right one.

That's how he ends up lighting a fire and then getting on a plane.

Seth's lost Dean a million times but somehow he's the only place he can still find himself. Through all the chaos and corruption of his own thoughts.

Dean's eyes grow troubled when he sees the panicked state Seth's in. He comes closer to him, gently rests both hands on his elbows.

"Hey, you okay?" he asks, voice soft and concerned.

"_No._ Everything's so fucked-up." He sighs heavily. "I thought I could do this on my own. But I don't know. It feels like everything is against me. And everything I do just makes it _worse_."

"It's not your fault," Dean reassures him.

"That's the thing. I feel like it's _all_ my fault. Ever since I—" He cuts himself off with a helpless sound. It all started years ago and here he is now, still burning everything down. It's like he's poison, like there's something toxic and nefarious in his blood, in the recesses of his mind, that's going to destroy everything around him. "It's just gotten worse and worse. And now you're gone. And I don't even know what to do anymore. About any of it." 

"You know who you are, Seth," Dean tells him firmly. "I know you do."

Seth shakes his head. "But I _don't_. I don't know," he says desperately. "I need you to tell me."

"Seth—"

"I know, I know, I'm being fucking selfish again. Maybe _that's_ who I am." He lets out a bitter, little laugh.

"You're stronger than this," he says, tightening his grip on his arms, almost shaking him. "You were strong enough to fight it once. When I wasn't there. You did it all on your own. Remember that. And don't let that be for nothing."

"It's hard," he exhales, head bowed. "It's _so hard_."

"I know. But you're Seth freakin' Rollins. And I believe in you."

Seth looks up at him just to roll his eyes. "Whatever the hell that means."

"It means what you want it to mean," Dean says simply. "You can be whoever you want to be. Whichever version of yourself you want. You can choose the best one."

Seth takes a deep breath, nodding at him, finally realising something that's always been a bone-deep truth. "The version of me that loves you — that's the best version." 

Dean lets go of him and takes his hand in his instead, gives him a ghost of a smile.

"I love every version of you," he promises him, and it suddenly feels like all the doubt and fear and guilt that's been clouding his mind just disappears. Maybe he won't always make the right choice, maybe sometimes he'll give in to darkness, but he'll find his way out, he'll scratch and claw his way back to the light every single time. Because Dean _sees_ him and knows him and still loves him. All of him.

Seth squeezes Dean's hand gently in his own, then brings it to his mouth, brushes a soft kiss over his knuckles.

"I've been trying to figure out where I belong for so long," he tells him, looking him right in the eyes. "But it's right here. Wherever you are."

As long as he has that to guide him, even if he gets led astray, his compass will always point him in the right direction. _Home._


End file.
